Slightly OT: Communications Monitoring

I see there are alot of knowledgeable people here that could hopefully help me. I am trying to create a program that could decifer communications packets, sort them accordingly, then take action depending on what category they fell in. This is what I have in mind so far, any help would be appreciated.

1. If PushButton "Protect American People" is pushed, begin sequence.

2. Begin monitoring of incoming and outgoing communications packets.

3. Sort packets by content. If any contain jihad, OBL, Zarqawi, infidel, or Ahmadingazundheit. Set sorting flag A.

4. Disregard packets not included in step #3.

5. On triggering of sorting flag A. Determine origin and destination of packets.

6. Set 'FU' flag if press suggests PB in Step #1 has not been pushed when historical data can prove that it in fact has been.

This is just a start, I'm also considering auto triangulation and Hellfire missile enabling as part of a subroutine.

Thoughts?


P.S. This is a disclaimer if for some reason someone out there already has written this program and it has been initialized by words in Step #3. (TGIF!)

In Step 6, I think you forgot to also set the A flag for any press members that trigger the "FU" flag.

RG

Include a failsafe mode - if any packet contains reference to the program itself, erase all data and self-terminate.

TM

Just ask your phone company, it seems that they already have this program in place.

I doubt that it's very successful in the "Protect American People" role, but that's okay since it was never intended for that purpose in the first place.

This program is somewhat secret in that certain elements would prefer to keep its scope and true purpose secret. However, if you ask nicely enough, you may even get accepted into the program and get extensive free training in some faraway exotic place.

If you are selected, you will be flown all expenses paid on a "corporation" (aka "The Company") jet to an undisclosed location where your every need will be attended to.

No need to show up at the airport for the flight either, members of "The Company" will whisk you away wherever you might happen to be. This is just part of their fabulous service and adds a certain level of customer satisfaction that most companies can only dream of.

Once you get there, the training is rigorous, and does not follow any set schedule. The training includes, but is not limited to, water sports such as "waterboarding", fun with hoods & electricity, naked mosh pits, and getting to know your handler's pet dog.

And of course there is no telling how long you will be away (so don't make any future plans).

Avoid telling friends and relations as this might cause them some undue concern regarding your whereabouts. Never fear, once "The Company" is through with you, you will be dealt with properly.

Return trips, if any, are somewhat more challenging in that you will most likely be dropped off in some quiet out-of-the-way place in some random country (such as Albania if you happen to be a German).

However this just adds to the fun and is an exciting way to get to learn all about foreign lands and the friendly people that live there.

It will certainly be an experience of a lifetime!